My inner demons

 I would like to share something with you that I honesly never thought I would talk about. In highschool, I battled anorexia. It took me 10 years to share it with my best friend and 11 years to share with the world. In fact, it was not something I had even admitted to myself for a long time. I battled it through mainly junior year and senior year of high school. I am not even sure what triggered it besides the fact that I was never satisfied with how I looked. I remember when I first started restricting food and how good I became at hiding the fact I just was not eating.  It was such a hard time in my life. I felt so lost and alone because I continued to sink into a deeper hole. Everyone around me was making comments about how thin I was . I did not even realize just how thin I had become. Food became my life. I literally planned every moment around it. If I knew I was going somewhere that involved food, I would become an anxious mess and I would exercise excessively for hours to make up for the fact that I would actually have to eat something. Eventually, others in my life intervened in my life when I hit the 95 pound mark at 5’10. With the support of my family and doctor, I was slowly able to regain some weight. I thank them secretly every day because without them, I would not still be here.Gaining weight back was so very hard.  I had to choke food down and I felt physically sick after I would eat. Somehow, I  started to become a healthy weight again. Unfortunately, some aspects of an eating disorder stay with you for LIFE. It was acually not until last summer that I was able to eat a burger with a bun. That moment was so freeing for me. I still have a very difficult time eating fast food and I still battle my body image issues often. I find myself battling the negativity in my head on a daily basis. Truth is, I am the heaviest I have ever been.  However , I feel strong, I feel healthy , I have energy . The scale is still not my friend though and I try to avoid it at all costs. I guess I am sharing this because it is something I have kept bottled inside for so long. I am hoping that by sharing this, it will give someone hope that they too can battle their inner demons. You are stronger than you think. I believe that our scars, our flaws, they shape us into who we are. They make us unique and human. I am no longer ashamed of my flaws, I now embrace them.

Love yourself. 

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